“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
You Might Also Like
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.