I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
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I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu