Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Social distancing in Australia:
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.