Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
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me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
⛄️
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Saturday
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave