[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
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ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
oh you wanna fight?!
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.