can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
You Might Also Like
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
This January has 47 Mondays
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.