Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
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I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.