[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
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Trumpy Cat
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
what could possibly go wrong?
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year