Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
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I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Life is a suicide mission.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
The Sun’s probably Asian.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.