Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
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Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Thank you corporation very cool
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Had to try this trend 😊
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Proctology is located in A55
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.