Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
You Might Also Like
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Seems a bit forward
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.