I missed you with all my darts
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[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
😂😂😂
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.