When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
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the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.