When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
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[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”