Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
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me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
I’m not wrong
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Attacked by a mop.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!