Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
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Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.