Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
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Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.