The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
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Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.