Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
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Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.