Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
You Might Also Like
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar