People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
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Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
i would wish you the best but i am the best
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
plant them where lol
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.