When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
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Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
More like Kate Missington.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.