Venn
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if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick