One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
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Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15