“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
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Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Science memes
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.