TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
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[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 馃檪
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It鈥檚 been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
I should have peed before I left and other things I鈥檒l never learn: A memoir
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
trying to convince my straight friends it鈥檚 homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month