Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
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Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?