Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
You Might Also Like
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like