HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
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Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
I see your IQ test came back negative
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
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here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong