Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
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*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Scream sneezers need love too.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
I’m good, thanks.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL