Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
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getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Awesome parenting 😂
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”