Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
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It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.