Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
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Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
This is my emotional support knife.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.