She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
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[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach