Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
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It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
me and my fake scenarios
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.