All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
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Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)