Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
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*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Just grow your own
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.