Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
You Might Also Like
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”