I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
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I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
dam girl
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Happy thanksgiving
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?