The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
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[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
“A little help here, Danny?”
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
That’s amazing.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
me before I type out affect or effect
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.