Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
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I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.