If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
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I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
wtf is an acronym
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.