Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
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One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
🙂🐾
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?