Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
You Might Also Like
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.