I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
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WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
sry
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
My time has come.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine