It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
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hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.