As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
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Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”