i love modern commerce
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I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
A game married people play.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.