[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
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Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
me and my fake scenarios
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
OMG 🤣🤣