Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
You Might Also Like
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.